Orange
by xstrawberrysugar
Summary: Inspired by the Hatsune Miku song with the same title, based on the Japanese legend that says when two star-crossed lovers commit suicide they are reborn as twins. Slightly AU, one-shot. HikaruxKaoru


**Author's Note:** So, this is happening because I was browsing google & YouTube looking for some Hika/Kao inspiration for the fanfic I've been working on. I came across this song called "Orange" by Hatsune Miko that is about two star-crossed lovers who committed suicide and were re-born as twins. There is also a legend/myth in Japan and China with the same idea. This will just be a one-shot song fic, told from Hikaru's (and his precious incarnation's) point of view. Fair warning if you're easily upset - it's going to be sad. Side note, the original lyrics to the song are in Japanese. The English translation I've included is a combination of 3 different translations I found online. They all varied slightly but had the same message so I just took my favorite parts from each.

 **Disclaimer:** I don't own anything. Not Ouran, not the song. Just my own ideas.

* * *

 _In the world that you were in I could have laughed, evermore_

 _But you forever resented the future that you saw_

 _Your voice, and your warmth, even your attitude_

 _Everything that you loved..._

I'll never forget the day that I first laid eyes on you. It was just an ordinary day and I had been taking my usual afternoon walk through my family's gardens, silently making my way over to the Samurai's training grounds. Though I knew I wasn't supposed to be there and my father would be furious if he ever found out, I'd had a fascination with watching the Samurai ever since I was a little girl. So sometimes, whenever I had the chance, I would sneak away from our estate and hide behind the cherry blossom trees to watch them train.

I watched the Samurai quite often, so it didn't take me long to notice when one of them had a face I didn't recognize. It had been a long time since my father had hired any new Samurai, so I studied you carefully, intrigued. You were young, maybe only a year or two older than me, and appeared to be quite inexperienced. You didn't move as gracefully as the others, and you kept dropping your katana though it didn't seem to bother you much - you never stopped smiling. I couldn't help but laugh while watching you, I had never before seen such playful, easy-going Samurai.

I was so enraptured with watching you that I hadn't registered that a katana had just been sent flying directly towards me up until the last second. I shrieked, and quickly ducked behind the tree for cover, just as the katana embedded itself in the ground right where my body had been just seconds previously. I heard footsteps, and silently cursed myself for making any noise. Now, I would be found out and my father would forbid me from ever coming back here again. No longer would I be able to watch the Samurai.

I watched as the katana was pulled from the ground, and stared down at the feet of the person who had come to retrieve it only daring to look up at the last second. I blinked in surprise - it was you. You were looking down at me, as much surprise on your face as I was sure was on mine, with the most gorgeous pair of gold eyes I had ever seen. It was in that moment that I decided if I could live in a world where you existed, if I could look upon your face every single day, I could forever be happy.

"Hime-sama!" You addressed my by my title, which meant you knew my father was daimyo of this land, and yet even as the recognition passed across your features you still held out your hand to me. I took it cautiously and your calloused hand enveloped my soft one as you pulled me up off the ground. You must have been as stricken with me as I was with you because we just stood there, staring at each other for what felt like hours until you realized what you were doing and pulled away, a small blush creeping onto your cheeks. "Forgive me, hime-sama. I'd heard tales of your beauty, but none that could have prepared me for the hold you seem to have over me."

"So you feel it too..." I couldn't help but whisper and I clamped my hands over my mouth upon realization that I had spoken those words aloud. But you just laughed, a beautiful musical laughter, and slung an arm around my shoulders like we were old friends. You plucked a few cherry blossoms from the tree behind us and slid them behind my ear, the look on your face suddenly serious..

"I have to go now, to finish my training." You must have noticed my smile start to fade because you placed your hand on my cheek, and I felt like my skin would certainly burn from the warmth, "I know your father won't approve, and truthfully this is probably a bad idea, but I would very much like to see you again, sometime soon."

 _Along the tracks of red, at a town near the sea_

 _Together, we lied that "we're happy"_

 _Hands clasped together, never separating_

 _As the glow of the sun shone upon our faces_

Over the course of the next year, we had grown closer. During the day, I would sneak out to watch you train whenever I could, tossing small candies at your head to let you know I was there since I couldn't allow myself to be seen. You would just laugh - that beautiful laughter of yours - ignoring all the confused stares from your fellow Samurai and shooting a big grin in my general direction. I would quickly poke my head out from behind the trees to grin back at you, or stick my tongue out and throw an extra candy at you for good measure - and to hear you laugh again. And once you knew I was watching, you would start showing off, doing tricks with your katana and trying your hardest to best your training opponents.

Every day, you would leave little notes for me to find underneath a rock at the base of my favorite tree to hide behind. Sometimes, they would just be cute little drawings, or a short story about something that had happened to you during the day. But other times, you would write a time and a date - your way of letting me know when I should meet you next. I would leave notes back, complaining to you of how tedious the duties of a daimyo's daughter were, and how I would much rather be out there training with you instead. And I would always paint my lips red, though I hated wearing makeup, just so that I could leave you a kiss at the bottom of each one and watch from afar as you kissed my note, right where my lips had been just minutes before.

We met as often as we could, though not as often as I would have liked. I always had to make up some excuse or another to my father or the servants or else find a way to sneak out when no one was paying attention. The days when I couldn't manage to get away were the worse. I would sit up in bed all night, staring out the window just wondering if you thought I had forgotten about you, or if you were awake somewhere thinking of me too. But I lived for those days when I would actually get to see you.

I had quickly memorized the route to a small little town, about a thirty minute walk away from the lands my father controlled, and looked upon those cracked red stones along the pathway as if they were long lost friends. We would always meet behind a small barn in town in the hour before sunset, and somehow you always managed to get there before me. Every time I arrived, I would get just close enough that I could see you and then I would break out into a run, throwing myself into your arms. I nearly knocked you over the first few times, as we weren't much different in size back then, but as the months passed and you grew stronger from training, soon you were catching me with ease and swinging me around in circles through the air.

You would hold me in your arms, releasing me only to clasp my hand within yours and each time we would walk hand-in-hand through the little town where no one knew our names, or who were were, down to the shore. At first, we were happy. Talking and laughing and sharing shy little kisses every now and then, the sun shining down on us as it set in the distance. But as the days grew shorter, the nights grew colder, and my father grew more suspicious we weren't able to meet as often. And when we did, it was no longer smiles, and laughter but rather sadness at knowing that all we had together were a few hours until we had to part again not knowing when the next time we saw each other would be.

"Are you happy?" You asked me, on one of those sad nights after having not seen each other face-to-face in nearly two months.

"Nothing makes me happier than being with you." The truth, but only partly. Yes, being with you made me happy. But was I actually happy? No. That was just a pretty lie. After all, how could I be happy, when the only person who made me so was kept so far at a distance from me. "Are you happy?"

"You make me happy." Another half-truth, I could tell. Yes, I may have made you happy, but no being able to be with me only brought you pain and suffering. I could see it on your face, that which was once filled with laughter was now riddled with hurt and longing for something that would never be possible.

 _You lured me in, I couldn't stop loving you_

 _It left me weak and crying, not knowing what to do_

 _There's no substitute, you were special_

 _There were days when we forgave, too_

I couldn't stop loving you. There were days that I tried, more days than I'd care to admit _,_ but it simply wasn't possible. You were a part of me, and I was a part of you - long before the day we met, I suspected. Something about your eyes that very first day, they were so familiar. Nonetheless, I had stopped going to watch you practice for quite sometime by now, though I didn't know how long. No, that's a lie. It had been exactly three months, two weeks and five days since I had last seen you.

During those months I kept myself locked away in my room most of the time. Some of the time I spent staring out my window, hoping you would pass by and I would get a glimpse of you from afar - but you never did. The rest of the time I spent curled up in bed, wrapped around a pillow I pretended was you and cried until my eyes stung. Up until that moment, the moment I had chosen to try and separate myself from you in order for you to be happy, nothing in my life had ever made me cry like that. I had always been exceptionally strong-willed and strong-minded, but all of this distance from you made me feel like a weak, pathetic little girl and I hated myself for it. I didn't want to cry, I didn't want to feel this way, but I didn't know what else I could do.

On my father's orders, four months and six days after not seeing you, I was made to get dressed up in fancy gowns twice a week and leave my room to meet with potential suitors. He thought it was high time that I become useful to him and be married off to some lord or another with enough money to feed his selfish desires - as if he didn't have enough money of his own to begin with. I agreed to meet with these men, not because it was my duty, but because I thought that maybe there was a chance that one of them could help me forget about you. But each one I met was worse than the next and for five weeks I sat and pretended to be interested in what these not-yous were saying when all I could think of was how there was no one in this world who could ever make me forget you - you were special to me. Even if I searched the world over, no one could compare to you.

Finally, after five months three weeks and one day, I went to see you. I made my way through the gardens like I used to, and my legs guided me to my favorite tree without much thought. Making sure I was well hidden, I peered out just the slightest bit to get a glimpse of you. I almost didn't recognize you at first, you were so much more muscular, and a few inches taller as well - had it really only been five months? I silently wondered if I had changed as much as you had, though I couldn't see a difference in myself.

I must have made a noise, though I was sure I had been perfectly quiet, because your head snapped around to look behind you, and I gasped a little as I pulled myself behind the tree as fast as I could. But you had definitely seen me. I knew, because I had seen that look in your eyes - a mixture of longing, love and hurt - before I could hide myself fast enough. Without thinking, I broke out into a run, trying to get as far away from there as possible - I should have never come back.

But soon, I heard footsteps behind me, and I just knew it was you. My brain urged me to go faster, though my legs were burning and my throat was tight from unshed tears. "Wait!" I heard your voice, slightly deeper now than it was before but still, it was you, "Please!" The desperate tone in your voice was what did it, I could almost feel all of the hurt that had been inside me all these months in that one word you spoke.

I stopped in my tracks, leaning over panting as you caught up to me. You paused directly behind me but I didn't turn around, I couldn't face you. I knew if I did, all hope would be lost, and any small chance I ever had of erasing you from my mind would be gone. "Every day I wrote to you, every day I waited for you. I knew you would come back to me." Your words broke what little self control I had left and the tears started to spill down my cheeks.

"I'm sorry..." I turned around and collapsed into your outstretched arms, feeling whole again for the first time in months, "I thought if I could just make myself forget you, that you could move on and be happy."

"I don't want to be happy, if it means I can't be with you." You tilted my chin up to look at you and for a moment we were lost in each other's eyes again, as we so often were, and it suddenly felt like no time had passed at all. I was right where I was supposed to be and you were right by my side where you belonged. "I forgive you." And then you kissed me, like we had never kissed before. A long, passionate kiss that could only be born from months of wishing and longing and dreaming of this very moment.

 _When I remember there won't be a tomorrow for us_

 _Let's just forever, yes forever keep that hidden too_

 _The one heart that reaches you who is today left behind_

 _Even to this day, I'm searching for it_

My father found out about us that day. One of the other Samurai, an older one who had served my father for many years, had followed you and seen us. It was our own fault, really. We were careless, kissing like that right out in the open. I had only myself to blame, the desperation to feel close to each other again was only there because I had insisted upon separating myself from you for so long.

You were to be sent away, at the break of dawn next morning. My father said I was lucky he wasn't having you killed. That it was only his sympathy for me, and his hesitance to have the blood of one so young on his hands, that was keeping you alive. But I didn't feel lucky at all. I felt like the world was caving in on me, suffocating me with its weight. There would be no tomorrow for us for when tomorrow came, you would be gone.

I had been contemplating which way to sneak out to see you would be best, when you surprised me by showing up at my window. You had climbed all the way up the tree nearest to my bedroom, and I watched as you carefully walked along the thin branch and jumped the short distance between the end of the tree branch into my window. I was in shock - you had never done this before for fear of getting caught, or falling the great distance down to the ground if your jump wasn't successful. But I supposed since all hope had been lost, these things no longer mattered to you, and I was glad.

You held a hand up to my cheek, and I reached mine up to yours and we stood there, lost in each other's eyes again. "Tomorrow, I have to leave. I don't even know where I'll go."

"Just stay here with me, in this moment forever." Before you could say anything, before you could tell me that wasn't possible I kissed you. I kissed you for so long as it took to memorize everything about you. The feeling of your soft lips, the way your strong hands felt as they ran through my short dark hair, how your body molded perfectly to mine as we embraced each other. That night I fell asleep in your arms for the first and last time, and when I awoke, you were gone; only your memory remained.

For a while, I searched for you. For months it consumed me, and I would leave our estate whenever I could get away, traveling as far as I dared go without getting lost. I searched every town, every street, every forest but to no avail - you were gone, and I couldn't follow.

 _"Are you doing well?"_

 _"Has your smile completely faded away yet?"_

 _"Are you deeply and completely in love with somebody else yet?"_

A year had passed now since you were sent away, and I no longer had to sneak out when I wanted to escape the confines of our lands. I had long since stopped searching for you, and my father was no longer concerned I would find you. However, once every week just before sunset I would follow a familiar red stone path to that little barn in a town by the sea. I knew you wouldn't be there but my heart wasn't as wise. It would always skip a beat just as I was getting close enough to where I would have been able to see you were you there, and then it would drop right into my stomach when I saw nothing but my own shadow.

I would stay there for hours, sometimes just sitting with my back against the barn, closing my eyes and pretending you were there with me and other times making my way down to the beach to watch the sunset alone. Eventually, I started leaving you little notes. You would never see them, but it made me feel better to write them anyway. As if writing notes to you meant that some part of you was still here with me.

"How have you been?" "I miss you terribly." "Are you happy yet?" "Do you ever think of me?" "Have you found a new love?" "I am lost without you." And on, and on, and on. One time I even spent hours making a little drawing of us together, only it wasn't really us. We were identical beings, one and the same, two halves of a whole, inseparable; and we had our arms wrapped around each other in a tight embrace. No matter what it was, each and every time I signed the note with a kiss, and hid them all under a large rock I had brought up from the beach and left in the spot you used to wait for me at by the barn.

 _All the many days that I dreamed of_

 _That I knew would never come_

 _I locked them all away_

Oftentimes, I would find myself lost in little daydreams, staring off into space creating some imaginary scene in my head that would never come to pass. Most of the time it was just me and you sitting together and talking about everything and nothing, like we used to. Telling each other secrets and making silly jokes, whispering about the future. If I lost myself for long enough in these dreams, I swore I could almost feel your arm around my shoulders, your hand in mind, or my lips against your cheek.

But, these were the silly dreams of a child, and as another eight months passed, I knew I had no choice but to let these fantasies go. From then on, any time I would find myself thinking of you, I would push those thoughts to the very back of my mind and lock them away behind a door and the many walls I built up around it. I stopped writing notes, and no longer did I follow the red stone path to the little town by the sea.

 _Crescent Moon Island, at the light water's edge_

 _Behind an ivy-covered church was where we both pledged_

 _Another childish little promise_

 _Of a story of running away together for always_

It had been two years now, two years since I'd last seen you, since I'd fallen asleep complete and woken up empty. Two whole years and still nothing had been able to fill that emptiness in my heart, in my very soul that yearned for you. I was older now; I had grown taller, my hair longer and my body more womanly. I resented that very fact, because I knew had I been born a man, I would have had the freedom to love whom I desired.

My father still had not given up on trying to marry me off, though his efforts proved futile. Even my beauty wasn't enough to convince anyone to marry me, once I put my personality on full display for them. Never would I try to feign interest when they would speak to me, rather I would let them know exactly how much they were boring me and run away without another word, off to explore the lands outside my father's dominion.

It was on one such day that I wandered much farther than usual. The suitor my father had chosen that day had been particularly undesirable - I assumed because he was finally starting to run out of options - and he had tried to assault me despite my best efforts to keep him away and turn him off. I had promptly punched him right in the nose, and ran off immediately while he angrily shouted after me something about how there would be retribution for this.

I just ran, and ran, and ran. I ran until every muscle in my body was sore, until my lungs felt ready to burst and my heart was pounding. I ran in no particular direction - I had no destination. All I wanted was to get as far away as possible from my father, his lands and his suitors. The only thing even keeping me going was that just this once, for the first time in months, I let myself break down those walls, unlock the door, and fall back into my fantasies of you.

The only destination I had was towards you, and every step I took brought me closer. I could see you so clearly in my mind now and even when I could run no longer I pressed forward, walking all through the night, until I finally came across a beach. It wasn't our beach no, it was much too far away. But it felt right nonetheless and I made my way towards a lighthouse in the distance. Upon getting there I realized that next to the lighthouse was a little building that resembled a church, and both were situated on a tiny island not very far off shore. I didn't know what had come over me, but everything in my entire being was telling me I needed to get to that building. So I gathered what little energy I had left, and I swam.

Dripping wet, I dragged myself out of the water onto the sand and collapsed there next to the lighthouse, panting and exhausted. I didn't know how I made it as far as I did, but that seemed to be as far as I was getting. I just laid there on my back alone, staring up at the moon in the sky, tracing the little crescent shape with my finger.

At some point I must have fallen asleep, and when I awoke I was no longer under the night sky. I was inside of a building, the church if the stained glass was any indication and I bolted upright, nervous energy coursing through my veins as I realized I wasn't as alone as I thought I had been. Before I even had the chance to get to my feet, I heard a voice. "Is it really you?" The voice was soft, a whisper almost and my heart clenched when I heard it. That voice, it was so familiar. But it couldn't be, could it? I looked around frantically, trying to find the speaker but it was still dark. Or maybe, I had finally snapped and there really wasn't anyone there at all.

"Who's there? Show yourself!" I was pleased that my voice didn't shake, but rather came out strong despite how I was feeling. Slowly, I saw someone emerge from the shadows and I couldn't stop the gasp that came from me when the figure became clear to me. The person standing before me was broader, with better defined muscles and hardened facial features but there was no doubt in my mind that person was undeniably you. But how could that be possible? "How is this possible?"

You just shook your head in disbelief and dropped to your knees in front of me, gripping my hands so tightly in yours as if you thought I would disappear if you dared to let go. I fell to my knees as well, shock overpowering all the other emotions that were swirling around inside of me. Two years, for two years I had thought you were lost to me forever, yet here you were. I almost didn't believe it. But then, we locked eyes and any doubt I had disappeared just as I could see the denial leaving you as well. I knew those eyes, and they knew mine. It was you. It was unbelievable, but it was you. "How did you find me?" Your voice, still a whisper.

"I ran to you." It didn't make sense, but it was the truth. Somehow, some part of me had known you were here and wouldn't let me stop until I had found you.

"Let's run then, together. Leave your father and your lands. We'll go somewhere new, start over. And we'll be together, always." That was the first time I had ever seen hope in your eyes, and despite my better judgement I let myself feel it too. And for a beautiful moment, everything seemed like it would be perfect.

"Promise me then. We'll never be without each other again, no matter what."

"I promise." And you kissed me. For the first time in two years, I no longer felt empty.

 _Rather than neither of us being satisfied_

 _I'll ensure that one of us gets what they desire_

 _I endured a nightmare simply in order to meet you_

We had left the church soon after that, swimming ashore together in the light of the early morning and made our way to the nearest town in order to gather provisions. Again, I had only myself to blame for what happened next as I should have known better than to allow myself to be seen in any town, lest someone recognize me. And recognize me they did.

When I'd never come back that night, my father had sent his loyal Samurai out looking for me. The second they spotted me, I knew that tiny spark of hope had been lost and I shoved you hard out of the way as one of them flung a katana in your direction and you fell to the ground. It caught my arm instead, but I barely registered the physical pain or the blood as the feeling of my heart being ripped from my chest was far too overpowering.

"Run!" I yelled at you and you tried to protest but I pleaded with you with my eyes so, giving me the most pained look I had ever seen, you pushed yourself off the ground, and you ran. "Our old spot! I'll find you!" I could only hope that you heard me and that you got away but I couldn't be sure of either. The Samurai had taken hold of me and despite my kicking, screaming and even biting at them, they greatly overpowered me and had already won this fight before it had begun.

I was taken back to my estate and once there locked in my room with a guard posted outside the door. But if anyone thought something so trivial as a locked door and a guard would keep me from you when I had just found you again, they were sadly mistaken. That night, once it was dark enough that I wouldn't be seen, I jumped out my window.

I had known even before I jumped that I would be injured once I reached the bottom. I heard it before I felt it, a terrible cracking noise, followed by the worst pain I'd ever felt in my life. I had snapped my wrist right in half and it hung limp and lifeless from my arm and I pushed myself off the ground with my other hand. But it didn't matter how badly it hurt, I couldn't scream. If I screamed, someone would hear me and the pain of never seeing you again would be so much worse than a thousand broken bones.

So I ran again, though this time I didn't have very far to go. I knew the Samurai wouldn't be far behind once they realized I was missing again, but I didn't care. All that mattered was that I made it to you, and ended this nightmare.

 _Even if we just forgive and stick it out to the end_

 _Definitely, positively not a single thing can change_

 _My fear of hurting you grew so strong_

 _That I couldn't live any longer_

By some miracle, you were there. Waiting for me just like it had been when we'd first started meeting here. I threw myself into your arms and you held me tight as we cried together. You sank down to the ground and held me in your lap and I rested my head on your shoulder, breathing in your familiar scent. "I can't live like this, I can't bare to spend another day without you!" I had finally decided, enough was enough. They would never stop looking for me, my life would never be my own. We would continue to be separated until the very end, we would never be allowed to be together. But maybe if not in this life, than in another.

I told you my idea, and you looked stricken. I could tell you weren't completely sold on it, but I reminded you of your promise - no matter what. So you agreed. We would hide away somewhere and spend one last day together, and then it would all be over.

 _Do you still remember?_

 _When we first met_

 _All of your lies and weakness were all swept away_

 _In the morning glow that washed them away_

 _You are once again changing like you did that day_

 _We sang of love kicking the earth_

 _While saying, "this is the worst"_

"Do you remember the day we met?" I looked over at you as we sat, side by side, in the sand on our beach letting the waves wash over us.

"How could I forget?" You smiled at me, squeezing my undamaged hand and draping the broken one carefully palm down on top of yours.

"When I looked into your eyes for the first time that day, it was like I'd known you my entire life." I had never told you this before, fearing you wouldn't understand but I decided that here at the end, I wanted to be completely honest with you.

"And many others." You agreed with me, and I was surprised, though oddly comforted. Maybe, if we both believed it to be true, that meant it was and we would meet again in some other time and place where things would be different.

"I wish things were different." I voiced my thoughts aloud, and you nodded as you looked out at the sea, the sun was almost done setting. It was almost time.

"The sun is about to set." You read my mind, and pulled your old katana out from its sheath. I was surprised you had kept it all these years, but glad that you did. It seemed fitting, for it to end this way. Almost like we had come full circle.

"I love you." I whispered, staring into your eyes for the last time and holding tight to your free hand as you lifted the katana and held the point against your chest.

"I will always love you." As you let out your last breath, I didn't scream, I didn't cry. The time for tears had gone, it was time to start over now. I removed the katana from your body, made my mind go numb and I gave your hand one last squeeze, before the end.

 _Even ending it with suicide was incomplete and became unreliable_

 _You can simply kick it out of sight_

 _Years will pass; follow my voice_

 _And if we are reborn again_

 _I will go to see you at the very beginning_

For a time, I was just floating. There was nothing. No pain, no joy, no hurt. Nothing.

If this really was this end, this hadn't been what I was hoping for. But that thought had to have come from somewhere, which meant that this couldn't be the end, not really. I wasn't me, not the me I had been anyway, but some part of me was still there, still fighting.

The strongest feeling I had - no the only feeling I had - was that of pure emptiness. Half of me was missing, where had you gone?

I searched, I don't know how much time passed but I was always searching. Calling out for you with a disembodied voice that didn't feel quite like my own.

I felt the moment you found me. Really felt it, in a way I couldn't even describe. You found me, and we were one. There was no longer a me, or a you, it was simply just us. We were one. I was you and you were me and we were each other. For the first time ever, we were truly whole.

But it didn't last.

Suddenly, forcefully we were being pulled down, it felt like we were falling. And we weren't just falling but we were starting to be ripped apart.

NO! The thought was overpowering and suddenly I was aware of me again, as we started to be pulled apart and I knew I wouldn't, I couldn't let it happen. If we were to start again in another life, we would start it together. This time, nothing and nobody could keep us apart.

This time, we would be together from the very beginning.

 _I loved you_

 _Until this very day_

 _Until the very end_

 _Saying that, am I still the one that has to end it, then?_

 _I only wish that you'll one day be happy_

"Kaoru...Kaoru!" I bolted upright in bed my heart beating frantically, sweat dripping down my face. I'd had that dream again, the one about the beautiful young Japanese girl. She was running, always running; and searching for something she could never find. And at the end, the katana... I shuddered, remembering. That was always when I woke up, every time. I rubbed my hand over my chest, sometimes I swore I could even feel it, slicing through me.

But none of that mattered. All that mattered right now was Kaoru. For some reason, every time I had this dream I always woke up in a panic that Kaoru was gone, and I would never see him again. It used to be easier, when we shared the same room. I would wake up distraught, calling out his name and he would be there, holding me tightly and telling me that everything would be okay, he was right there and wasn't going anywhere. We were eighteen now though, and our parents had insisted we sleep in different rooms. They thought we were too close, and that a little distance would do us good. But this wasn't good. I needed Kaoru, and I was too frozen in panic to go looking for him.

I sat up in bed, trying to take deep breaths to calm my racing heart and talk some sense into myself. But I knew nothing would make this any better until I saw Kaoru, until I knew he was still here. "Kaoru, where are you?" I whispered into the darkness, hugging my knees to my chest. And then suddenly, I felt the bed sink down slightly and a pair of familiar arms wrap themselves around me, pulling me close.

"You had that dream again, didn't you?" Kaoru's voice. He was here, he wasn't gone. I simply nodded, not trusting myself to speak, and he held me tighter, placing a small kiss on my forehead, "It's okay, Hikaru. I'm still here, I'll always be here." I sighed deeply, my heart rate finally slowing down as Kaoru held me, rubbing my back and giving me little soft kisses on my cheeks every now and then.

Everyone always saw me as the stronger one. I was the one with the temper, I was the louder one, the one with the bad attitude at times. When we were in Host Club, I was always the one comforting Kaoru, and looking after him, making sure he didn't get hurt. But when it really came down to it, Kaoru was my protector more than I was his. In these moments, when I was at my weakest - broken, scared and lost - it was Kaoru, and only Kaoru who could put me back together and make everything okay again.

I knew I couldn't rely on him forever. I think I've known that for quite some time now, but I wasn't sure I could face this world without Kaoru by my side. But I could tell he wasn't completely happy. Sure, he loved me. As deeply as I loved him, of that I was positive. But I also knew there was a part of him that wanted more. To be more than just my brother, more than one half of a whole. There was a part of him that desperately wanted his own life, but he would never admit it. Not to me, not even to himself. For as long as I needed him, he would be here. Was I the one who would have to end it then? I knew I was. But not tonight.

"Stay with me tonight, Kaoru?" I lifted my head from where it was resting on his shoulder and looked into his eyes. Those gold eyes, identical to mine, but yet so different, and so familiar all at the same time. He was caught up in staring into my eyes as well, as we so often were.

He smiled at me and nodded, laying down and pulling me down with him. "I was planning on it." He took my hand and brought it around his neck to rest on his shoulder. I tangled it up into his hair, and rested my head in the crook of his neck, giving him a little kiss. "I told you, I'm not going anywhere." He tilted my head up by my chin to look at him, and gave me an odd look that I couldn't quite place, "I had a strange dream tonight too..." his voice trailed off and then he did something that caught me completely off guard. Leaning down, he placed one quick light kiss against my lips. "I love you, Hikaru. Don't ever forget that."

I just looked at him in shock, my eyes wide. Never had I expected him to kiss me. Of corse now that he had, I couldn't help wishing he would do it again, wishing he would never stop. But he didn't, and I was sure that he wouldn't. I don't know what possessed him to kiss me in the first place, but I knew that whatever it was, the moment had passed. He smiled at me, a hint of sadness in his eyes before he closed them and I did the same. I let all of my troubles leave my body as I fell asleep safe and warm in Kaoru's arms for what I knew would be the last time. I wanted him to be happy, and he would never be happy so long as he was with me.

 _In the world that you were in I could have laughed, evermore_

 _But you forever resented the future that you saw_

 _Your voice, and your warmth, even your attitude_

 _Everything that you loved..._

A week had gone by since that night, and Kaoru and I had gone back to sleeping alone in our respective rooms. I hated every second of it. He was only a few doors down, but it felt like we were worlds apart. The worst part was, I knew this was only the beginning - it would only get worse from here. I had made my decision that night, and I wouldn't let myself change my mind. Because of that I had kept my distance from Kaoru as much as I could even during the day. I could tell he was confused, and even a little hurt but I knew the more time I spend with him the more likely I would be to back out of doing what I knew had to be done.

I had already bought the plane ticket, and talked to my parents. My plane left tomorrow morning and now the only thing left to do was to tell Kaoru. But I knew I wouldn't be able to tell him everything I needed to say to his face, and even if I somehow managed it I knew he would try to convince me not to leave. So I decided to write him a note.

Kaoru,

You don't know how hard this is for me to do. Every single part of me is screaming not to do this, not to leave you. Every second we spend away from each other tears me apart and if it were up to me, we would spend the rest of our lives together. But it seems that fate is against us, and as much as I don't want to do this, I feel like I have no choice. I rely too much on you and because of that, you will never truly be happy. Unless I leave. I know you and I know you would never leave me, even if it meant sacrificing your own happiness, so I have to be the one to leave.

Maybe one day, when you've found yourself and figured out who you are on your own, and I've learned how to take care of myself, I'll come back to you. But for now, just know that I love you. I've always loved you, and I always will love you. I love your voice, your smile, your laugh, your warmth - I love every single part of you and everything about you. If I'm being completely honest, I don't just love you, I'm in love with you. I've been in love with you since before I even knew what that meant. You're my soulmate, I truly believe that. And I will always be with you, no matter how far away we might be. Please don't hate me, I only wish that one day you'll be happy. And if you're always looking after me, you never will be.

Always and forever,

Hikaru

As I finished writing, a few tears escaped down my cheeks. And for some reason unknown to me, I brought the paper up to my lips and kissed it, right underneath my name.

That morning, I snuck silently into your room while you still slept. I watched you for a moment, so peaceful in your sleep and I nearly changed my mind right there. All I really wanted to do was slide into bed beside you, wrap my arms around you and never let go. But I didn't, I couldn't. As gently as I could, I slid my note into your hand, closing it around the paper and holding on for just a second too long. I couldn't help myself, I leaned down and pressed my lips gently against yours, one final farewell. You started to stir, and I rushed out of your room quickly, all the way down the stairs and out the door to the waiting limo before you could wake fully and stop me.

 _Goodbye._

I sat in the back of the limo, shaking. I had told the limo driver to wait, just a few more minutes, I still had plenty of time to catch my flight. I needed to see you one more time before I left, just one more glimpse. I watched you through your window as you got out of bed and opened my note. I watched the different expressions pass over your features as you read, shock turning to disbelief turning to hurt. And then you were gone from the window, rushing out the door and towards my limo not even a minute later.

"Hikaru!" You called out to me as you ran, and I felt my heart shatter into a million tiny pieces that would never be put back together because you wouldn't be here to fix it - not this time. "Hikaru wait!" I clenched my fists, and closed my eyes. If I had to leave you, I couldn't watch you fade away into the distance.

You had almost reached the limo now, and I knew it was now or never. "Go." I told the limo driver, my voice shaking.

"Goodbye, Kaoru." I whispered as I felt the limo start to drive off, and my entire being, everything I was, suddenly felt fully and completely empty.

* * *

 **Author's Note:** Please don't hurt me! D: I warned you it was going to be sad! Trust me, ripping apart poor little Hikaru's heart basically ripped out my own so I'm already hurting enough. I hoped you liked it regardless of it being heart-wrenching. This is totally different from anything I've written before, so I wasn't really sure how it would turn out. I hope no one found it too weird that Hikaru's previous incarnation was female. Originally, neither of their genders were going to be mentioned, because the whole idea of this is that they're soulmates, meant to be together regardless of age, race, gender or whatever else. But, for the sake for the story it just fit well for what I wanted to write. Anyway, let me know what you thought!


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